May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
