We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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