apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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