I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We got so high we made milksteak
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
