Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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