We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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