You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
