2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
