oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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