He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
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i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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