So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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