A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
BRING THE BAGELS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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