I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
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its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
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Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.