wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now