At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
