Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
