Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
