Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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