Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
