a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Couch. On fire.
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