I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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