Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have aggressive nipples.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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