tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
