I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
