i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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