I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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