I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
