i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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