I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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