I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
