She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
