The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
