I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
