While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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