Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
