i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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