Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
