Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
