Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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