This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
