remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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