i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
