toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
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