i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
