You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
