everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
