He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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