I checked into jail on foursquare
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
