My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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