i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
