God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
