you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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