my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
