When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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