Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
