I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
