Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
