Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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