Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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