Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
