Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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